GREAT EXPECTATIONS . . .

Usually a thought comes to me when I sit down to start writing.  For some reason today, the saying "In the Spring, a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love" came to mind.  I didn't know the exact quote or who said it so I looked it up.  It's by Alfred Tennyson.  I saw another quote by him that said this,



Which is a perfect way to start talking about this weeks subject.  I had put out two surveys last week, one for the men and one for women, both had the exact same two questions.  The first was what are the top three things you are looking for in a partner?  And, the second question was, do you have any deal breakers?  The responses were interesting.

Out of about 50 men who responded, the word "beauty" or "looks" came up quite often so that seemed to be the most requested in the top 3 things for men with sense of humor probably following second.  Other things men said they were looking for were intelligence, integrity, personality, financially secure, and confidence.  The deal breakers, top was smoking followed by things such as drugs, overweight and bad attitude or complainers.

There were about 20 women who responded and their top things they were looking for were a sense of humor followed by integrity.  Some others were stability, great character and honesty.  Their deal breakers were smoking, destructive behavior (such as addiction and drunk driving) and other things such as mean humor, lack of compassion and lying.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about beauty or what makes someone attractive.  They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  Although, I wonder if we are being conditioned to pass someone over that may be great just because they don't fit into what we think is attractive initially without ever getting to know the person.

I work in the beauty business and I can tell you what I tell everyone, it's all smoke and mirrors.  What you see probably isn't what you are getting.  Pictures are airbrushed, makeup and hair can take hours, clothes are pinned to look like they fit like a glove, flaws are pronounced in the beginning to then make the results from the "magical product" look more dramatic, lighting is strategically placed and there are thousands of pictures taken for one print ad or there are multiple takes to get a commercial shot just right.  I remember Cindy Crawford saying even she doesn't look like the image she sees of herself in magazines.

Facebook and Instagram, or social media in general, I call the constant photo op.  You can be a star just by taking thousands of selfies a day.  There's a woman named Jen Setter who, I'm not kidding, takes pictures of her butt every day and she's become a sensation on Instagram.  On Facebook you see all the great pictures of your friends having such a great time and doing things you think you should be doing and you feel bad because you wonder why you aren't so active and happy.

Then, we move on to Tinder.  I admit, I was intrigued and I've gone on there a couple of times.  The longest I lasted was maybe 5 days and the shortest was 1 day.  If you haven't been on before, it's a dating app on your phone and they have it set up like a game.  It's hooked up to your Facebook page somehow and people's pictures come up (what you are looking for as in men or women).  You can either push the heart to "like" them or push the "x" to move on to the next person or, as they call it, swipe right.  If someone else has liked you that you liked, it comes up as a match and then it gives you the option to write them or to "keep playing."  Once you get the hang of it, you do play it like a game and you go through them fast making a split decision whether you like them or not.  Honestly, I think Tinder alone is conditioning our brains to make split second decisions based only on looks.

Listen, I totally get it, we all need to be attracted to someone we want to date.  But, is attraction always physical?  I can tell you I've dated guys that I don't think were conventionally attractive, someone that you would look at and say that they were.  But, I know what I was attracted to after talking to them was their confidence.  If I could tell anyone, man or woman, who is out there dating or looking for a job, the one most intriguing, fascinating draw is someone who possesses confidence.  Not a big ego, but confidence.  It's something we all want so once we see it and feel it from someone, it makes you want to be in their circle hoping that it may rub off or you want to know how you can get it.  Insecurity is probably the most unattractive attribute someone can have.  And, the only person who can give you confidence is you.  It comes from the inside, not from the outside (that being said, being well put together on the outside, can give you more confidence).

I was at the gym the other day after I had read all of the surveys and I was looking around.  Instead of just looking at people, I decided to look at each one and pick something out that I found attractive about them.  One guy it was his arms, another guy was his hair, and so on.  I wondered if we can be conditioned through marketing and social media to just look at the whole and judge people based on a glance, can we condition ourselves to look deeper.  To find something positive we see in each person we meet instead of the negative and walk away with the good stuff?  Can we really take the time to get to know people and base our feelings about them on more than just a glance and on just their physical appearance?

I'd love to hear your thoughts or stories.  You can email me at tmjt26@hotmail.com if you have anything to say or if you want to be a guest blogger.  

Love and happiness,

Tracey

RELATIONSHIP DEATH BY TEXT . . .

I was thinking about what to talk about for my next blog and, it's interesting, every time I wonder . . . something always comes up more than once in a week to let me know that that's it.  This week it's texting.

I said it before in my last blog that I've had relationships start and end just by text.  I've told my 85 year old mom that texting is going to be the death of relationships.  I wonder how many relationships start by text.  Meaning, that maybe you meet someone out and a woman gives a man her phone number or you exchange numbers and after that first initial meeting, the first contact is by text, not a phone call.  If I were just to throw out a guestimate, I would say probably around 80%.

If I were to be honest, I would say that I get it.  It's so much safer to text someone and ask them out or have a conversation hiding behind a phone then actually reaching out to them personally by a phone call.  I think that we think we are protecting ourselves from rejection.  Plus, it's just more convenient.  We can do it when we want to, any time of day.  If someone doesn't respond, we just move on -- or, keep texting.

A couple of stories from just this past week that I've heard.  One girl has been hanging out with a guy who worked on her house and was a friend of a friend for about a year.  Their main form of communication was by text and he came over a couple times to hang out.  They kissed about a week ago and she realized that they were really just friends.  On his end, he thought that it was more.  He started texting her more . . . not calling . . . just texting her continuously.  She now doesn't respond right away, or at all, and he keeps texting.  Therein lies the new conundrum.  Instead of talking it out, it will be a slow "death by text,"  I assume this will go on until he gets that she's not responding and, at some point, he just quits texting.  There's no closure.  He wonders what he did wrong and what happened and she gets out of telling him she just doesn't like him like that.  We think we are avoiding rejection but it actually hurts just as bad, if not more, and it's drawn out for a longer time.

Another girlfriend met a guy online.  They decided to take it offline and give each other their numbers.  The outreach was by text, no phone call.  He had asked her out for Thursday night.  Thursday night comes and, after a great day off of work to spend with her son, she gets a text at 5pm to say that he won't be able to go out.  He said that he just paid his rent and he didn't have any money.  She offered to go out for a walk so they wouldn't have to spend money.  He said it was too cold.  He then texted her that if she had cash, they could go out and she could pay and he would pay the next time (I somehow think he would have never said that in a phone call to her).  She declined.  He then texted her on Saturday morning at 1:30am and said that he had money now and could take her out.  She never responded.  I wonder, if text wasn't available, would any of that have transpired?  And why do people think that it's not ok to call someone at 1:30 in the morning, but it's ok to text?  We can do it in the heat of the moment when we have feelings we want to share and it's a more "safe" way to do it.

I wonder how many stories there are where texting has caused miscommunication?  I know for myself, this has happened multiple times.  Something that I have written that didn't mean anything bad, was taken wrong and then an argument ensued.  I've had it happen on my end, too, when someone has texted me something and they didn't mean anything by it, but I took it wrong and got mad and defensive.  The thing about texting is that you can't hear the infliction in someone's voice.  You read it the way you want to read it.  You can't tell that they are being sincere in what they are writing but you are hearing it in your head in a harsh tone.  I wonder how many relationships have ended because of a text that was taken the wrong way.  Relationship death by text.

It's time for us to start picking up the phone or talking in person and really communicating.  We think with all these avenues to reach each other on our phone and by social media, that we would be more confident in truly communicating with each other.  But, by hiding behind our phones and laptops, we are actually killing real communication.  I'm not sure how to get people to go back other than for both men and women to talk and agree that texting has a certain place in relationships like checking in during the day to say something sweet and not using it to have an argument over. And, if something does get miscommunicated, to pick up the phone right away to then talk it out.

I would love to hear your texting story.  If you would like to share, you can email me at tmjt26@hotmail.com.  I talk from a women's point of view and mostly about women's stories because those are the ones who are sharing with me.  I would love to hear a man's point of view or story.

Have a great week!

Love and blessings,

Tracey

DATING S.O.S.!!

Funny, I was thinking about what to title my first blog here regarding dating and S.O.S. came to mind.  I knew it meant you were in distress and to send help but I had to google it to know what the letters really stood for.  Do you know it really stands for "Save Our Souls"?  How fitting.  I didn't mean to get that deep and it was suppose to be funny, but it just goes to show when something comes up, it usually is for a reason because that's exactly how I feel in the dating world right now.

My name is Tracey and I'm 49 years old.  I'm a single mom to a beautiful 14 year old daughter, Jessie Joy, who is the light of my life.  I had an epiphany when I was chatting with my daughter in October of 2014.  She had told me that there was a boy who she knew wanted to ask her out to date.  My first instinct was to say "no way," but my first question was "what is dating in 8th grade now a days?"  She responded, "Face timing and texting."  So, I told her if that was it, she could "date."  After I thought about it, I realized that at my age and in this new era of technology, that's actually pretty much how dating is for me lately and that we were going through the same thing at the same time -- her at 14 and me at 49.  Gone are the days of meeting someone out, talking to them, flirting a little and then them asking you for your phone number and actually calling you to ask you out for a proper date.  I've had relationships start by text and end by text without ever getting together (and other girls I know, too).  I just recently had a phone relationship with someone that we had a huge number of friends in common on Facebook.  He had reached out to me and we ended up talking . . . all week . . . without him asking me out.  I asked him (which was a little awkward) if he planned on asking me out, otherwise I really didn't have time to just sit on the phone all week and talk.  He said, of course he wanted to ask me out, but he was just trying to get to know me by phone first because he didn't "date."  It ended after one week over a text.  No phone call, just a text.  I can go on and on about stories maybe not exactly like that but close over the years I have been single and dating.  And, I know a plethra of other people going through the same thing.  My friend and I were out last night and a guy was complimenting her and saying how he wanted to go out with her.  She gave him her phone number at the end of the night when he asked, and then they texted for about another hour or so and she was excited about the prospect of a nice guy to go out with.  She looked him up on Facebook and did some investigating and found out he was actually married with one older son by his first wife and two smaller children from a second marriage.  When she had asked him, he said he was divorced with only one kid.  He never knew she found this out and after that texting conversation, he hasn't reached out again.

I know men who have similar dating stories regarding women . . . so this isn't a blog just to talk about how bad men are at dating.  This is an equal opportunity blog!  What I really want to know is in this day and age have we actually created the mess we are in?  With women's rights (and I'm all for them, don't get me wrong), but have women "bringing home the bacon and frying it up in the pan . . . and never, ever, let you forget you're a man"  . . forgotten that last part?  And, have men forgotten how to be men?  I mean real men . . . respectful men. My mom, who's 85, and I were talking today about dating.  My dad passed away 8 years ago and they were married for 59 years when he passed (they were married at her at 19 and him at 20 years old).  We were talking about how back in the day, men respected women and women respected men.  Now, seeing videos and pictures and lyrics to songs, I wonder do we even most of the time respect ourselves?  And, what are we teaching our kids and the next generation?  One of my daughters male classmates just got brought up on sexual harassment charges last week (he's in 8th GRADE!) because he was grabbing the girls butts! And, the girls hated it but none of them ever said anything until one or two brave souls anonymously told a teacher at the school.  And, what is sad, is that my daughter told me that the kids were mad at the girls they thought it was because they thought they ratted him out!  I know even at my age that girls are taught to giggle it off, not make waves or make things awkward, so we don't say anything.  But, in not saying anything are we really saying it's what we want and that's what guys think?  Look at YouTube videos now a days and listen to lyrics to songs -- especially rap songs (even by the women . . . can you say Nicki Minaj -- and I'm not even that hip and I know).  Women slithering on the ground, wearing suggestive clothes and men throwing money around and calling his women ho's.  And then we wonder why there are so many people out there looking for someone but can't find them.

So, I've decided to start a blog.  I don't know, maybe talking about it and my experiences and others experiences, I can figure something out (not really sure what it is yet, but I'll let you know when and if I do).  I'm going to be sending out surveys to see if I can get answers from both men and women and see what people are really searching for on both sides.  Wish me luck!  Because, if I can figure it out, then maybe I can help you figure it out!

If you want to take the first survey, please go here:  https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/TN6XTYS

It's only 7 questions and only takes a couple of minutes.

Love and blessings,

Tracey

*DISCLAIMER:  I know there are a LOT of nice men out there who are very respectful to women, just as there are a LOT of nice women out there very respectful to men.  And, it takes different things to make a relationship.  Just because two people are single doesn't mean they belong together, there has to be mutual attraction to begin with and then it goes on from there.  This is just my way to see if I can help to find out what both men and women are looking for in hopes of maybe gaining some insight into this new, technical, dating world.