Which is a perfect way to start talking about this weeks subject. I had put out two surveys last week, one for the men and one for women, both had the exact same two questions. The first was what are the top three things you are looking for in a partner? And, the second question was, do you have any deal breakers? The responses were interesting.
Out of about 50 men who responded, the word "beauty" or "looks" came up quite often so that seemed to be the most requested in the top 3 things for men with sense of humor probably following second. Other things men said they were looking for were intelligence, integrity, personality, financially secure, and confidence. The deal breakers, top was smoking followed by things such as drugs, overweight and bad attitude or complainers.
There were about 20 women who responded and their top things they were looking for were a sense of humor followed by integrity. Some others were stability, great character and honesty. Their deal breakers were smoking, destructive behavior (such as addiction and drunk driving) and other things such as mean humor, lack of compassion and lying.
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about beauty or what makes someone attractive. They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Although, I wonder if we are being conditioned to pass someone over that may be great just because they don't fit into what we think is attractive initially without ever getting to know the person.
I work in the beauty business and I can tell you what I tell everyone, it's all smoke and mirrors. What you see probably isn't what you are getting. Pictures are airbrushed, makeup and hair can take hours, clothes are pinned to look like they fit like a glove, flaws are pronounced in the beginning to then make the results from the "magical product" look more dramatic, lighting is strategically placed and there are thousands of pictures taken for one print ad or there are multiple takes to get a commercial shot just right. I remember Cindy Crawford saying even she doesn't look like the image she sees of herself in magazines.
Facebook and Instagram, or social media in general, I call the constant photo op. You can be a star just by taking thousands of selfies a day. There's a woman named Jen Setter who, I'm not kidding, takes pictures of her butt every day and she's become a sensation on Instagram. On Facebook you see all the great pictures of your friends having such a great time and doing things you think you should be doing and you feel bad because you wonder why you aren't so active and happy.
Then, we move on to Tinder. I admit, I was intrigued and I've gone on there a couple of times. The longest I lasted was maybe 5 days and the shortest was 1 day. If you haven't been on before, it's a dating app on your phone and they have it set up like a game. It's hooked up to your Facebook page somehow and people's pictures come up (what you are looking for as in men or women). You can either push the heart to "like" them or push the "x" to move on to the next person or, as they call it, swipe right. If someone else has liked you that you liked, it comes up as a match and then it gives you the option to write them or to "keep playing." Once you get the hang of it, you do play it like a game and you go through them fast making a split decision whether you like them or not. Honestly, I think Tinder alone is conditioning our brains to make split second decisions based only on looks.
Listen, I totally get it, we all need to be attracted to someone we want to date. But, is attraction always physical? I can tell you I've dated guys that I don't think were conventionally attractive, someone that you would look at and say that they were. But, I know what I was attracted to after talking to them was their confidence. If I could tell anyone, man or woman, who is out there dating or looking for a job, the one most intriguing, fascinating draw is someone who possesses confidence. Not a big ego, but confidence. It's something we all want so once we see it and feel it from someone, it makes you want to be in their circle hoping that it may rub off or you want to know how you can get it. Insecurity is probably the most unattractive attribute someone can have. And, the only person who can give you confidence is you. It comes from the inside, not from the outside (that being said, being well put together on the outside, can give you more confidence).
I was at the gym the other day after I had read all of the surveys and I was looking around. Instead of just looking at people, I decided to look at each one and pick something out that I found attractive about them. One guy it was his arms, another guy was his hair, and so on. I wondered if we can be conditioned through marketing and social media to just look at the whole and judge people based on a glance, can we condition ourselves to look deeper. To find something positive we see in each person we meet instead of the negative and walk away with the good stuff? Can we really take the time to get to know people and base our feelings about them on more than just a glance and on just their physical appearance?
I'd love to hear your thoughts or stories. You can email me at tmjt26@hotmail.com if you have anything to say or if you want to be a guest blogger.
Love and happiness,
Tracey
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